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BREAKING NEWS: 8:02 A.M. MAY 29, 2012: The National Hurricane Center has announced a new scheme for naming tropical storms and hurricanes, which will begin next storm season. Emil Thunderwear, director of the organization, had the following to say: “People in threatened regions have always been slow to respond to the dangers of these high-powered…
Keep reading...REUTERS:MAY28,2012: The Pro Gay Rights movement was dealt a serious blow this morning, after the liberal activist organization “Freedom to Screw Whoever I Damn Well Please” ran a position piece during ABC’s Good Morning America, with the intention of ridiculing the stance of their opposition. The piece pointed out that the individuals clamoring for “Traditional…
Keep reading...BREAKING NEWS: 8:33 A.M. MAY 25, 2012: In the Vatican, sources report that the holy golden soap dispenser in the Adjunct Cardinal’s third guest washroom has begun singing hosannahs in Lithuanian. According to the Most Holy Writ of Signs and Portents, this signifies that an Honest Politician has taken office somewhere in the United States…
Keep reading...REUTERS:MAY24,2012: Thomas Hashburn, of Whoopsie, Maine, was arrested in a sting operation by the local police, in an effort to round up area marijuana dealers. According to arresting officer Nadine Jumpfirst, “The suspect was armed, and fired his handgun at us until he ran out of ammunition. If he hadn’t been so high, we probably…
Keep reading...REUTERS:MAY23,2012: Jimbleton Thornswipe of New Jersey, Texas, has announced his intention to press legal suit against his parents, the New Jersey City Education System, Texas A&M, Penny Furholtz, and the FOX Broadcasting Network, for encouraging, glamorizing, paying for, pressuring, or otherwise helping Mr. Thornswipe to become a lawyer. Says Mr. Thornswipe: “Everybody told me being…
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