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Hurricane Names Get Badass

May 29, 2012

BREAKING NEWS: 8:02 A.M. MAY 29, 2012: The National Hurricane Center has announced a new scheme for naming tropical storms and hurricanes, which will begin next storm season. Emil Thunderwear, director of the organization, had the following to say: “People in threatened regions have always been slow to respond to the dangers of these high-powered…

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Gay Marriage Dealt Serious Blow

May 28, 2012

REUTERS:MAY28,2012: The Pro Gay Rights movement was dealt a serious blow this morning, after the liberal activist organization “Freedom to Screw Whoever I Damn Well Please” ran a position piece during ABC’s Good Morning America, with the intention of ridiculing the stance of their opposition. The piece pointed out that the individuals clamoring for “Traditional…

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Catholic Soap Sings

May 25, 2012

BREAKING NEWS: 8:33 A.M. MAY 25, 2012: In the Vatican, sources report that the holy golden soap dispenser in the Adjunct Cardinal’s third guest washroom has begun singing hosannahs in Lithuanian. According to the Most Holy Writ of Signs and Portents, this signifies that an Honest Politician has taken office somewhere in the United States…

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Stoned Gunman Fails to Kill Anyone

May 24, 2012

REUTERS:MAY24,2012: Thomas Hashburn, of Whoopsie, Maine, was arrested in a sting operation by the local police, in an effort to round up area marijuana dealers. According to arresting officer Nadine Jumpfirst, “The suspect was armed, and fired his handgun at us until he ran out of ammunition. If he hadn’t been so high, we probably…

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Man Seeks Compensation For Stupid Career Choice

May 23, 2012

REUTERS:MAY23,2012: Jimbleton Thornswipe of New Jersey, Texas, has announced his intention to press legal suit against his parents, the New Jersey City Education System, Texas A&M, Penny Furholtz, and the FOX Broadcasting Network, for encouraging, glamorizing, paying for, pressuring, or otherwise helping Mr. Thornswipe to become a lawyer. Says Mr. Thornswipe: “Everybody told me being…

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