Hurricane Names Get Badass

BREAKING NEWS: 8:02 A.M. MAY 29, 2012: The National Hurricane Center has announced a new scheme for naming tropical storms and hurricanes, which will begin next storm season. Emil Thunderwear, director of the organization, had the following to say: “People in threatened regions have always been slow to respond to the dangers of these high-powered storms. Me and Jan are sick of it. No one ever takes us seriously. If half the people—” At which point this reporter stopped listening.

Some examples of next season’s storm names, designed to inspire fear and dread in the populace, follow: “Hurricane Immapunchyouinnaface,” “Hurricane Heretodrinkyourbeer,” “Hurricane Propertydamage,” “Hurricane Gaykiss,” and “Hurricane I’mblackandI’mmovinginnextdoor.”

Affluent white neighborhoods have already begun inquiries about the practicality of raising their fences an extra eight inches to keep undesirable storms out.

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