Dear Fantasy Advice,
I am a pixie living in Tolgara. I’m married to a strong sprite from what I thought was a good family. I’ve loved him since the instant we met. But his mother has never thought I was good enough.
On our engagement night his mother offered me a dozen purpleberries to dump her son and leave, and the night before our wedding she called all our guests on her looking-pool to tell them I’d been swallowed by a toad and the ceremony was off. During the honeymoon she followed us to Pixiehua Island and threw cococorns at our door all night, soaked our mattress in boggart urine, and told the constabulary I was an illegal immigrant and needed to be sent back to Mordor.
I guess the specific advice I’m looking for is what to cook someone for dinner that says, “I’m sorry I murdered your mother, but I’m still not ready to get a pet.”
Chef Pixie

Dear Chef,
I would prepare something light and sweet. Fried foods make fey folk grumpy.
Also, I’d rethink the pet. While justified, you have removed an important and doubtlessly beloved figure from his life, who cared for and raised the very sprite you love.
Maybe a get him a beetle.

I call her Ringo. Don’t tell me what pronouns my bugs can use.

Dear Fantasy Advice,
My name is Bert, and I’m the disembodied end-of-days prophesy of a medium-sized fantasy world. Even though I’m fated to annihilate everyone, I hate that nobody likes me. Some days it’s enough to make me want to see the four-headed Hound of Flames birthed early and kick off the foretold doom now, you know?
How do you make people who know you’re going to destroy their planet like you?
A Little Bitter About It

Dear Bitter,
Perhaps you could start by telling everyone how much longer they’ve got. Many people can ignore, or even come to love an onrushing Armageddon if the know that it won’t be directly affecting them.
Also, even a spirit of doom can’t ignore the basics. Get to know people, find out their likes and dislikes. Show some interest. It can’t hurt and might be of value to know where everyone will be running to when time gets short. You don’t want to miss anyone’s end-of-the-world bunker when the magical explosions start falling!

This looks totally forgivable.

Dear Fantasy Advice,
I’m an evil overlord named Sauro … named Bobron, and I’ve got a problem. My minions are orcs who can’t operate in the daylight, so I made a big volcano in the middle of my cursed lands to throw continual ash into the air and blot out the sun. That was fine for a while …
But orcs eat like halfling teenagers and I’m running out of things to feed them. Because of the sun-blotting thing all the crops I used to make them raise (I’m a giant eyeball and am not well-suited to farm work myself) are dead, and all the animals that lived in the woods are dead too. Because the woods are also dead. The pastures are dead and so the cows are dead. Everything except the orcs are dead and they’re really hungry and I don’t like the way they’re starting to look at me.
I’m beginning to think I should have thought this out better.
Also, in addition to eating everything in sight, orcs reproduce in sort the most insane way. They’re all male, and just sort of spring up out of these pits in the ground that they’re really protective of. And they just don’t stop. It’s totally fucking bonkers, and without pregnancies, way too fast.
Are there any ash-crops that grow without sunlight and can feed an exponentially increasing workforce? (Orcs also won’t eat seafood. They say it’s unsanitary.)
Nervous Necromancer

Dear Nervous,
To my knowledge, the only crop that grows in your world with no sun is glowing poisonstools, but they are intolerant of continuous volcanic ashfalls and need to be watered very regularly. I don’t think they’re a good solution. However, they are also not the only solution.
PortcullisDash and GrubClub are reliable food delivery services that have seen remarkable growth since the Wasting Plague, and both of them deliver into your neck of the former woods. Whether your orcs enjoy halfling vegetables, White Tower tomatoes, horseburgers, or even corsair sushi, it’s all available. (No. Not sushi. I forgot the seafood thing, That’s a shame.)
There’s a slight upcharge for the service, and you’ll need an internet connection, but as long as your orcs tip reasonably and don’t eat the drivers, it should all work out just fine.
Best of luck. (And maybe put an extra guard or two around that volcano. You never know who might come calling.)

Are termites a reasonable cash crop?


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