Well, How do YOU Judge a Year?

Every year that passes holds some special significance to the future, adding something that only that year can to the tapestry of our history. 1929’s stock market crash altered the way the modern world perceives money and hardship. 1969 witnessed an expansion of human reach with the first moon landing. 1989 sounded the end for oppressive regimes the world over with the fall of the Berlin wall, and of course 1967 added me.

That was the best one.

2024, as years go, felt a little . . . dark? It would be so easy to concentrate on all the awful things in what many are calling the “worst timeline” year (unidentified drones, Tyson losing to a YouTuber, and you know, other stuff), but that’s not the direction I want to go. No, I’d rather take a look at what this year added to the culture of Earth by digging deep into . . .

Of course it’s porn. The above map shows us, by state, what the most popular search terms are on the most popular porn site in the world. And lest you think this bears little importance to the average on-the-street human being, Pornhub is 7^th overall in terms of world viewership and gets more traffic than Amazon. (There’s a dick in your eye, Bezos.)

While there are more search categories here than I am willing to go into, there are also plenty of highlights to enjoy, just as our states here in America do. (I’m looking at you, South Carolina and your “Wife/Big Beautiful Woman” search histories. Good for you.)

The freaky stuff is at the bottom.

I’d like to start, naturally, with the Colorado “Footjob.” It is not a bad thing to give your feet a job, after all in these increasingly difficult financial times everyone needs to carry their weight. By their nature feet are already carrying your weight, so do they even need another job? It’s not for me to say, so I’ll just say obviously.

Nevada with “Vegas” and Hawaii with “Oahu” both seem a little on the nose to me. Is there something about being a tourist destination that stymies the imagination? I wanted to check out what these terms brought up, but the actual day I wrote this article Pornhub removed themselves from all of Florida’s IP addresses because masturbation is somehow evil now, I guess? Unamerican?Certainly worthy of as much legislative resource as we can give it.

While I’m discussing Florida, our most searched term used to be, along with a great swath of the most conservative states (now in gray on the map as Pornhub retreats to more well lubricated areas), was “Lesbian.” This is not, as I originally thought, because the sex act that incels like to visualize most is one they are not involved in, but rather because ideologies who hate homosexuals professionally, genuinely want to keep queers where they belong, on conservative phones, pads, and computer monitors.

Oregon totally makes sense with “Furry,” after all it’s fucking cold there, and when I think of Alaska I always thing of Sarah Palin hunting wolves from a helicopter and “Anal Dildo.” Maryland’s “Girlfriend,” Rhode Island’s “Wedding,” and New Mexico’s “Housewife” seem a little quaint in comparison to the rest of this list, but somehow even this implied story of romance and nuptial bliss fails to capture the innocent sweetness of Pennsylvania’s “Naked Woman.” It’s like the state is entirely populated by giggling twelve-year-olds.

Missouri and Delaware present as both egalitarian and non-ageist with “Grandma” and “Mature,” respectively. Our culture routinely infantilizes beauty, and it’s nice to see someone here representing a standard of attraction that wouldn’t get a TV show on the CW. (I’d also like to point out the complete lack of “Teen” or anything comparable on this list. Maybe we’re not in the worst timeline after all.) I’d guess this is likely because twenty percent of Pornhub’s viewers are fifty-five and up.

The number one term for the 55+ age category is “Strap-on,” by the way. Take a moment to absorb this and then think about your grandparents. Okay, moving on.

Minnesota likes “Futa Hentai.” For those of you who don’t live in Minnesota, futa is short for futanari, or a niche sort of hermaphrodite with a penis and otherwise female features. Hentai is the sort of Japanese animated porn that often features lots of tentacles. Put these together and you have quite a number of things reaching for you in the dark.

Just across the border, Wisconsin is dreaming of “Pee.” You do you, Wisconsin, but I hope somewhere in your search history someone is looking up “Mop.”

The Connecticut “Queef” is worthy of note (for both readers unfamiliar with the term, it’s like a fart, but for vaginas), while New Hampshire’s “Enema” once again has me reaching for the cleaning products. No matter what you think of enemas, plastic sheets are just not sexy.

So that was 2024. Not as bad as you thought, was it? I gotta run now—I’m going shopping for a briefcase for my feet to carry into the office.

Because they’re professionals.